


The Stag Night

by TheSpasticFantastic



Series: When All Is Lost [32]
Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: And things we all would've been happier not knowing, F/M, Henrik is involved, So lots of innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:49:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24392332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSpasticFantastic/pseuds/TheSpasticFantastic
Summary: Iduna sends Agnarr off with Henrik and Elias to celebrate Henrik’s impending nuptials.  Agnarr holds his alcohol as well as he ever did.
Relationships: Agnarr & Iduna (Disney), Agnarr/Iduna (Disney)
Series: When All Is Lost [32]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571230
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20





	The Stag Night

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Oh WAIL - it's been too long. For those of you who don't remember Henrik, he's Elias and Agnarr's sexually depraved (or adventurous) friend.
> 
> And, as always - thank you Fericita for being so kind as to beta read my works of questionable taste.

“Sunny, I don’t have to go,” Agnarr murmured as he watched Iduna tucking Elsa into her bed. He reached down to brush a pale lock of hair away from his little girl’s face. She was such an easy-going child. One story, one lullaby and she dozed right off. Iduna smiled indulgently at him as he kissed Elsa’s forehead before they stole out of her bedroom.

“Of course you should go, Agnarr. How long has it been since you, Elias and Henrik were able to get together?”

“With Henrik abroad so often? I think it was when Elsa was born.”

“Well, there you have it, love.” They entered their bedroom and Iduna took a seat on their bed. “He’s your friend. You should see him. Spend some time with him.” She suppressed a smirk. “And he’s finally getting married. That’s something to - well, if not to be celebrated then something that serves as an excuse to drink excessively.”

“Yes, I’m not sure if we’re mourning or celebrating.” Agnarr winced. “Celebrating, I hope.”

“Oh, Agnarr, I was just teasing. And I’ve met his fiancé - Sigrid. She’s lovely and he clearly adores her. I know his mother played a large part in arranging the match, but I think that she and Henrik have similar . . .” Iduna paused a moment, searching for the right word. “Appetites.”

“Ah.” Agnarr bit his lip. Iduna gave a small shrug.

“Besides, God bless any woman who’s willing to spend that much time near Henrik’s disease-ridden crotch.”

“Iduna!” He burst out into scandalized laughter.

“What?” She grinned. “Do you know how many times he asked me to concoct him a pox remedy before we were married? Or something to help with his itch?”

“No! And I don’t want know!” He playfully pushed her onto the mattress and wrapped his arms around her. “This is very un-Queen-like behavior.”

“Listen, I can never unhear Henrik’s detailed confessions or his list of partners. It changed me. I’m scarred for life and –“ She gave a little shriek as he found _that_ spot on the back of her neck with his mouth. She squirmed and laughed. “Agnarr! Go see your friends.” He let out a disappointed sigh and rolled off the bed.

“Alright, alright.”

“And your schedule is cleared for the morning, so don’t feel like you have to come home too early. You hardly get any time off as it is. Enjoy yourself.”

“Enjoy myself? That’s a dangerous directive when Henrik is involved.” He shook his head. “He’s as likely to try and drag us to the bordellos near the docks just for a laugh.”

“Mm,” she replied noncommittally. She had already had an interesting discussion with Sigrid about how it was more discreet and cost-effective to simply hire prostitutes to join you in bed than to frequent bordellos. And the added benefit of being able to re-hire the ones you liked without competition from other patrons. Although ‘discussion’ might be too strong a descriptor for ‘terrifying and unsolicited disclosure and advice’ while she and Thea had sat with slightly-horrified smiles fixed on their faces during their tea earlier in the day.

Then again, Iduna couldn’t imagine a more suitable bride for Henrik. The woman knew what she wanted and what she liked. And those interests certainly overlapped with Henrik’s. She wished them well in their impending nuptials. They were perfect for one another.

She watched appreciatively as Agnarr stood and pulled off his uniform jacket. She propped her hand against her cheek as she gazed at him. He caught her staring, grinned self-consciously and the tips of his ears turned red. He went to the wardrobe and removed two fashionable coats. He held them up and raised an eyebrow.

“Go with the darker one. In case you spill something on it.” She giggled as he pouted. “Or in case Henrik spills something on you.”

“Good point,” he conceded. He pulled it on and proffered his arm. “Come see me to the gate? I’m sure Henrik would love to see you.” Iduna shook her head with a grin and took his arm. “What? He would. He misses Arendelle. He misses you, Elias, Maddie – even Greet.”

Iduna bit the inside of her cheek. Henrik had already introduced Greet and Sigrid. She had heard it from both of them. They were getting along wonderfully. She hadn’t made so much of her special tea since working for Mr. Visser.

“Iddy!” Henrik boomed as they approached the gate. “How are you? Thank you so much for having my fiancé over earlier today.” Elias was standing next to Henrik with his hands jammed in his pockets. He gave her the haunted look of a man whose wife had disclosed everything that had been discussed during that tea session and had yet to recover.

She was proud of him, making eye contact with anyone of the female persuasion.

“I’m well, Henrik. We’re looking forward to having you to dinner on Thursday.”

“The pleasure will be all mine, I’m sure.” He laughed. “And don’t worry about me keeping His Majesty out too late. I’ll have your husband back to you no later than eleven.”

“I’m standing right here, Henrik,” Agnarr sighed and rubbed his temples. “Please don’t talk about me like I’m not.”

“So never fret! Per my lovely fiancee’s instructions, he’ll be back to you with plenty of pep and time left to enjoy it.” Iduna raised an eyebrow at Henrik and then gazed pointedly at Elias.

“Elias, I’m leaving my husband in your care. Please see that he gets home in one piece and without scandal. Elsa needs a father and preferably one who doesn’t have to abdicate in disgrace.”

“Again, I am standing right here. Your King is standing right here.” Agnarr wrinkled his nose at her as she laughed and gave him a hug.

“You wound my honor, Iddy! I said he’d be home no later than midnight, didn’t I, Ag?” Henrik clapped him on the shoulder. “I have late night plans the likes of which are no place for young fathers to be. Especially those of young daughters.”

“Alright, Henrik.” Elias grabbed him by the arm and spun him around, giving him a friendly shove towards the gate. “That’s enough.”

“Truly, Iduna, I don’t have to go!” Agnarr spoke with a hint of hope as he winked at her. “I can stay here with you and Elsa.”

“Oh no, you’re not abandoning me,” Elias said as he placed his hands firmly on Agnarr’s back and gently propelled him forward.

“Enjoy yourselves, gentlemen,” Iduna said. “Don’t make Halima regret her life choices. Behave!”

“Ha!” Henrik chirped. “I don’t know the meaning of the word.”

* * * * *

Much to Iduna’s surprise, there was a tentative knock on the bedroom door just as the clock on the mantle was chiming ten o’clock. She shut her book and placed it on the nightstand, drawing her shawl closer around her chest.

“Come in!”

“I’m terribly sorry to bother you, Your Majesty,” Gerda said as she ducked through the door and quickly curtsied in her nightdress. “But we have a small problem in the main hall that we were hoping you might be able to help with.” Iduna frowned and slid out of the bed.

“Is someone hurt? Or sick? Do I need to make a poultice?”

“No, no – no one is hurt. Um, His Majesty is just rather out of sorts.”

“Oh no,” Iduna groaned as she pulled on her dressing gown. “How drunk is he?”

“Well, to speak frankly, the only time I’ve seen him this bad is when Elsa was born.” She thought a moment. “And when you turned him down before agreeing to court him.”

“Oh no,” Iduna repeated with a sinking feeling as they hurried down the hall. Agnarr was at the bottom of the staircase. Sprawled across the ground while desperately clutching to the base of the bannister. Kai was on one knee, whispering intently to him as he shook his head furiously, his hair flopping into his eyes.

“We sent the guards away so they wouldn’t see him like this.” Gerda gestured at the king.

“No, of course, thank you.”

“He just kept shouting when they tried to help him up,” She said helplessly. “And we didn’t want to risk him waking the princess.”

“No, I’m not gonna!” Agnarr hissed at Kai. “You can’t _make_ me!”

“That was probably wise,” Iduna said, watching as her husband made a spectacle of himself. “Thank you both so, so much. But perhaps I should handle this alone. Has he said anything?”

“Only that he refuses to go upstairs to bed, Your Majesty,” Kai said apologetically as he stood.

“I understand.” She bowed her head. “Thank you again.” She waited as they reluctantly vanished down the hallway before turning her attention to her husband who looked like a child hugging a toy.

“Agnarr?”

“No!” He burped. Iduna tried not to laugh. She lowered herself to the floor and hugged her knees, trying to get him to catch her eye.

“Let me guess. Henrik was ordering the drinks for you and Elias all night?”

He gaped at her. “Did they tell you that?” He looked up the staircase. “I thought Elias would’ve run out the door by now . . .”

“Agnarr,” she said gently. “Elias is home with Thea and little Sasha. Henrik is off . . .being Henrik.”

“He left me here?” Agnarr gasped. “I told him it better be a joke! I can’t be here! I’m the king. Someone will see!”

Biting back a smile, she asked him a question she was quite certain she already knew the answer to: “Love, where do you think you are?”

He turned bright red and muttered something she couldn’t quite make out, but he relaxed his grip enough that she was able to slip her fingers under his palms and take his hands into hers. He looked at her like a man drowning.

“Agnarr, you’re in the castle. You’re home. Elsa is sleeping.” She rose slowly, drawing his warm hands against her heart so that he followed her up. He stood before her, eyes fixed on her, weaving back and forth. His face was tilted down, close enough that every time he exhaled, she was engulfed in a cloud of alcoholic fumes. “Oh, my heart. Maybe I should have kept you home, hm?”

“You look just like my wife,” he mumbled, blinking rapidly.

“I am your wife,” she said fondly as she began to carefully take the stairs one step at a time, waiting for him to advance unsteadily next to her. Kai would never forgive her if Agnarr fell and smacked his head. Gerda might understand.

“Shouldn’t go upstairs.”

“Yes, yes you should. Because that’s where our bedroom is. And you don’t want the morning staff seeing you like this, do you?” She threw her arm around his waist and pulled him against her body as he staggered, almost cursing in her native tongue as he stepped on her foot. He managed to right himself by grabbing her shoulder and taking her hand again.

“Sorry!” He blurted as they made it to the stop of the stairs. “So sorry. I’m behaving terribly.”

“You just need rest, Agnarr. We’ll get you into bed and you can go straight to sleep.”

“Sleep sounds good.” 

She shook her head as she led him down the hall. She managed to get him into their bedroom without waking Elsa and shut the door behind them. But when she went to unbutton his coat, he gently pushed her hands away.

“No, no, no, no!” He protested, backing into the wall behind him with a thump. “I can do that. Do it myself.” Iduna shrugged and slipped out of her dressing gown, hanging it on a hook. She climbed into their bed and pulled the covers over her. She looked up to find that Agnarr was leaning against the wall, watching her every move. She cocked an eyebrow.

“Are you coming to bed?”

He shook his head with a slack expression. “No. I’m sorry. You’re very lovely. But I have a very beautiful and wonderful wife at home.” He lay down on the floor and covered his face with his coat. “I’ll just sleep here.” 

Before she could respond, Iduna heard his muffled snores. She grinned, shook her head, and doused the candle.

* * * * *

“Oh my head,” Agnarr moaned. He blinked his gritty eyes and realized something was over his head. He sat up quickly and the world spun for a dizzying moment. He smacked his lips in disgust and wiped his tongue against his palm, trying to rid his mouth of a found taste. He groaned and placed the heels of his palms against his eyes. He could hear his wife’s low laughter.

“What – what happened last night?”

“ _Nothing_ happened, Agnarr. Nothing.”

He squinted blearily at her and began to unbuckle his belt which was pinching his waist. “Why am I on the floor?”

“That’s where you wanted to sleep. Well, actually, you wanted to sleep on the floor in the main hall but I managed to persuade you to come upstairs, at least.”

“What?”

“Do you remember anything about last night?”

“Um.” He managed to get onto his hands and knees and slowly stood up. “I – I went out with Henrik and Elias. He’s getting married. Yes. We were celebrating at Hudson’s. But Henrik kept joking we should take the revelries to-“

Agnarr shut his mouth and felt his cheeks burn. He might be half-addled from the excessive amount of alcohol that Henrik had pressed upon him the night before, but he was not going to tell his wife where Henrik wanted to go. Besides, he didn’t appreciate that knowing grin she had.

“Well, it’s not important.” He gave her a small bow. “I am terribly sorry for my conduct last night, even if I don’t entirely recall what it was.”

“You did step on my foot.”

He winced. “Did I? I’m so sorry, Iduna.”

“I should make you carry me everywhere today,” she teased, stretching her hands over her head and arching her back against their bed as she smiled at him. He returned her smile and rubbed his neck.

“I would, of course, oblige you. But first, I think I need a wash.”

* * * * *

“Ag!” Henrik called. “You’re looking better than you were when last I saw you.” 

Iduna smiled as Sigrid slapped her fiancé’s arm and chastised him for being overly familiar with the King of Arendelle.

“Oh, Ag doesn’t mind.” She heard Henrik mutter as they drew closer.

“Good afternoon, Henrik, good to see you again,” Agnarr said. He smiled and bowed his head towards Sigrid. “And Sigrid, lovely to see you again as well.”

“Thank you so much for having Henrik and I, Your Majesty.” Sigrid curtsied.

“Not at all, it’s our pleasure. Iduna tells me that you’re a fan of Adolph Tidemand?”

“I am!”

“Would you permit me to show you his collaboration with Hans Gude, which I acquired for the castle collection? Brudeferden I Hardanger. The Bridal Party. Very fitting, I think.” He offered her his arm which she took with a euphoric expression.

“Oh, that would be divine!”

Henrik chucked as Agnarr led her away. “It’s like I always said, Iddy. Your husband makes the rest of us mortal men pale in comparison to him.” He offered her his arm and she took it, walking slowly so that they fell several paces behind Agnarr and Sigrid. “I hope he isn’t trying too hard to impress her. I won’t stand a chance! She’ll call the wedding off.”

“Oh, don’t be silly, Henrik.” Iduna tightened her hold on his arm and gently dug her nails into the rich fabric of his sleeve. He gave her a confused, inquisitive look. “Sigrid and you are a perfect match. She’s definitely got the same tastes as you. And she trusts you. She certainly trusted everything you told her about me. Like my sense of discretion and ability to brew nearly anything.”

“I don’t-“

“She raised some concerns when we had tea together. Something about your stamina.” Henrik stopped short and stared at her, the color draining from his face. She smiled sweetly. “You know, a tea or tonic. Like the ones I sold you when we were young for . . .other purposes.”

“I-“

“Now, of course I would be perfectly happy to help a new bride get what she’s looking for out of her wedding night,” she continued serenely, grasping his arm as he stared wide-eyed at her. “But Henrik, so help me if you ever convince my husband again that you’re going to drag him to a whore house –“ Henrik’s jaw dropped. “I swear I will give her something that renders you impotent for no less than two weeks. Possibly as long as two months. Do you understand me?” He gaped at her. “Shut your mouth and nod if you understand me, Henrik.”

She watched his adam’s apple bob as he closed his mouth and swallowed.

“Good!” She smiled brightly and pulled him along.

“Iddy. I – truly – I did not mean for Agnarr to –“

“And we never speak of it again, Henrik.”

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this tweet: https://twitter.com/jessicaadxx/status/1167745295708512257?lang=en


End file.
